Current Song in Head: Gay Bar-- Electric Six
Current Mood: crafty

So...
I suck at this whole updating thing.

I got back from Maryland this afternoon. I went down yesterday afternoon to go out with the gals for a slightly early b-day celebration. Bea and I chilled and waited for Laura to get off of work; we got some bubble tea. I had Peach Black Tea and it was super tasty. I didn't consume any bubbles, though, because they're scary. The three of us then got all gussied up and took the metro into D.C. We took lots of goofy photos; mayhaps some shall be posted here later. I did my best, as always, to look like a complete ass in all of them. I think I succeeded. We had dinner at this nice little Japanese place where I had the most massive bowl of Soba ever. It was really good! Then we went to a karaoke bar called Peyote Cafe (or something similar) and sang and danced a bit. It was the kind of karaoke where people went up in small groups and yelled their songs into the microphone. We did 'Since U Been Gone' (a secret fav of everyone :-P) and that Rick Astley song. It was super fab times!! It was really REALLY nice to get out and about with friends. :-D
What else? Not working at the moment... My last assignment was a one day filing gig at the Lancaster Voter Registration Office. Before that I was filing for two weeks in a doctor's office. Tomorrow I'm going to Harrisburg to tour the UPS place and, hopefully, get an interview for a part-time seasonal position. *crosses fingers* It would be nice to hear from the temp agency soon, too!
Oh! I got the two things that I wanted for my b-day within 24 hours of each other. Obama won the election and I finally got medical assistance to cover my medical bills from March!! Such a relief! Now I just need to figure out this whole Boston thing. I've started applying for loans, but, man, it's discouraging. I'm going to need a HUGE private loan to cover everything. It's really scary to consider when I can barely make my current payments. I might have spot in a co-op in Dorchester, but it's gonna be expensive (duh!) and apparently it's not in a terribly awesome neighborhood. People tend to get stabbed and shot there (including someone living at the co-op), so... yeah. Having second thoughts about that.
I've been trying to come up with back up plans in case Boston doesn't happen. I've been looking at programs for teaching English in Europe and Africa. Everything costs money, though, which I don't have.
I really want to start trying to sell some stuff on Etsy. I've been making a lot of stuff lately. I've started stenciling which I am really enjoying. It's really time-consuming which is nice when you don't have much to do. I also made a book from scratch-- mostly from stuff that was just lying around my room. Also really fun. Is it weird that I think stenciling and binding are fun? I used coptic stitch for my book (which is for recipes, btw) and it was so relaxing to just sit there and bind. I'm also working on making pens (of the ink dipping variety) from antique nibs. I'm having doubts as to whether any of this is even remotely Etsy-worthy. It would be so sweet to be able to make some money off of something I enjoy so much. I REEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLY wish it could just be my full-time job. Really. I've been posting pics of some of my stuff on Facebook to try to see what people think of it.
*le sigh*
Some sad notes: My car needs a $400 part replaced so it might be going bye-byes cuz I don't have $400. Also, my Pappy Charlie is in the hospital. :-( Here's hoping he gets well soon! And also, that money starts growing on trees.

And...I guess that's it.

Peace out, kids.

ps, Tomorrow I turn 23 and I don't think I really care. It was a really nice excuse to get out of town and frolick avec mes copines, though! <3

Current song in head: Soramimi Caki (probably spelled incorrectly!)
Current mood: meh

I seem to be getting too good at this unemployment thing. My temp assignment ended unexpectedly early on Friday (I was told it went until at least December). So... here I am once again. I have heard nothing from the temp agency so I am recommencing that epic search for a reliable short-term job. I'm thinking it doesn't exist. I'm never going to get anywhere or even catch up at this rate.
On a much more positive note, I had a super fab weekend. I went down to Christine's Friday night and Saturday we went to NYC to see Equus. Despite a bit of rain and a semi-unreliable bus company, we had a great time. Also, there was epic amounts of walking. Seriously. EPIC. Over 100 blocks. Lots of blisters. All speed walking (and even some running). I think Christine said it was over 8 miles. Woo. Also, right before we got on the bus, she told me a seriously disturbing, ill-timed story about an EXTREMELY UNLUCKY fellow on a bus in Canada over the summer. I travelled all over the place in Europe by myself without any problems, or even thinking there might be any problems (other than maybe missing a connection or something). But now I have come to the conclusion that before I can ever sit near a stranger while traveling, I must ask them the following:
"Can you please tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how likely it is that you will feel the urge to decapitate someone today? One being 'What the hell are you talking about, you sick freak?!' and ten being 'Your throat is looking exceptionally lovely and exposed today!'"
Seriously.
Anyway, the play was just as amazing (and awkward) the second time around. I was very glad to see that young (too young, honestly) American girls can control themselves enough to sit in the front row. I really don't think anyone under at least 17 should be allowed in. We were front and center in the stage seating. It was cool to see things from a different angle. I guess the point is: I payed a crap ton more to see it again and it was worth every penny. :-D
On Sunday I went down to see Bea in College Park. We went to Georgetown and walked (or hobbled, rather, in my case) around. She gave me Spore as an early b-day present. I have to say, it's great timing, since I've had little else to do so far this week. It doesn't work on my laptop though, because it's too old. Luckily, it works on my Dad's desktop. Playing that game is like entering a time warp. It feels like maybe half an hour has passed but really it's been three hours. Crazy. Totally worth the wait!
When we were driving back to Bea's place, we rocked out to Celebrity, which I hadn't listened to in frickin' ages. It was seriously good (and old-school!) times.
So yeah, good weekend. Really made me miss getting to see my girls on a regular basis. At least I seem to be over the super awful loneliness from before. Still, a little social stimulation is nice every so often.
And Jess! Holy crap! That girl is getting 'social stimulation' every time she freakin' turns around apparently! It just rains boys for her lately. I'm really very excited for her, though, because she got asked out for coffee this Friday by a cute, well-dressed German named...wait for it!...
JOHANNES!!
WTF?!? Who knew you could meet more than one when you're not in Germany... The whole situation seems like something out of a movie, honestly. I guess it was her turn, right?

That's cool. I'll just sit here by myself and knit. And play Spore! I don't think I'll be having any more adventures until my b-day next month. Not unless, by some super awesome miracle, it starts raining Germans here. As for my b-day, I'm thinking I'll go to Md to see the girls, and hopefully Jess will come. And I want it to involve prom dresses and karaoke. :-D

peace!

Nothing Special

Current song playing: The Beast and Dragon, Adored -- Spoon
Current moody: runny-nosed?

Been a while. Not much has happened. I am working as a temp receptionist at Pressley Ridge, a family and youth services type thingy. It's super easy and not terribly stimulating. I answer the phone, check in clients, make appointments... mostly I sit around and read or surf the net. On Fridays we can wear whatever and I sit around and knit. I like Fridays. I've had hours and hours and hours to look up knitting patterns, and all things Boston.
This is my current desktop at work:Also, if you haven't seen this yet... Christine and I stumbled upon it on Cute Overload. It is ridiculously fabulous. :-D
I've been to Columbia twice in a little over a month. First time to see Tine and second to see all the girls (because apparently Maryland is where all the cool kids live now?). Next weekend Christine and I are going to NYC to see Equus. :-D Can't wait!
Other than that, I haven't been doing much lately. Work. Reading. Movies and anime. Knitting. Also worrying about money and Boston. I had to shell out 300 bucks this week for a pair of new glasses after mine snapped in half Sunday night. :( I'm back to feeling like I'm never going to catch up. I'm sick of it. And there's so much stuff that I still need to figure out for moving, but I can't yet (apartment, fin. aid, etc.). Super frustrating.
I'm pretty sure that whenever I get frustrated, though, all I have to do is watch that Meg video and I'm set. A world with dancin' cats can't be all bad, right? :-P

ps, robot dance parties are good, too!
pps, that's two different links. and they both helped inspire my gmail name :-P
ppps, whiel we're appreciating all things crazy Japanese...

<3

Well, shit...

Current song playing: Celtic Nabazcast
Current mood: down-ish

Ho hum. Unemployed. Again.
*sigh*

Jess went back to Philly today, too, so the true aloneness is beginning. Despite my best efforts over the past 24 hours, I can't think of anything happy.

Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

I Can Has a Dobby Hat!

Current song in my head: Mamma Mia-- ABBA!!
Current mood: boredy bored bored bored!

It's been a while...
Not much to report. I've been watching TONS of movies. And working. And not much else.
I saw Mamma Mia with Raphael the other day. It was quite cute and fabulous-- giving me my fix of over-the-top musicals. :-D In the past month I got Stardust and Penelope from Netflix, and, alas! I am totally obsessed with both. Check them out if you haven't yet, as they are both super fab and cute and wonderful.
I am also super psyched because I should getting the fourth and last installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, at some point this week. Should be good for a full, intense night of voracious reading and vampire lust!
Yesterday I looked up lots of knitting stuff that I want to be able to do eventually. Having absolutely nothing else to do (save finish the scarf I've been working on for ages) I made myself a Dobby Hat (http://leftinstitches.blogspot.com/2005/12/dobby-hat.html) last night, using some of the three tons of yarn Raphael gave me. Behold!
I think it's super cute. Jess disagrees. Story of my life? Anyway, my current plan for Christmas this year is to knit all of my gifts. If I start now, I might actually be able to do it, though I doubt most people are going to want anything I produce... Who doesn't already have millions of scarves, hats and sweaters? Whatevs. I can't wait to try socks. (can't wait = terrified) :-P
I've also been helping Raphael move stuff. Gotta prove that I'm just as strong and tough as the boys. Grr?! Today I helped lift heavy boxes in a dress. Just because I can! Tee hee? He leaves Wednesday and it shall be very strange without him. Yet another person on the list of people who moved away (it's getting to be a depressingly long list (because it's everyone!(except, of course, me.))) At least, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my solitariosity. And now I have lots of knitting to keep me busy. At least until I get bored with it?
And how's this for random? Tonight I have to go to work to let some paranormal investigators into the building... Never thought that would be part of my job description.
Also, I have finally mailed my last check. I am, for realsies, FREE. And I'm sure I shan't be hearing from him anymore, pretending to care how I'm doing so he can nag me about paying him. Nope nope.
So now it's gonna be SAVE SAVE SAVE for Boston so I can get the heck outta here. The other day at work I made a list of all of my goals for when I'm finally on my own. It's gonna be sa-weet and I can't fucking wait!! Anybody got any good get rich quick schemes? :-P

<3

Current Song in head: Men in Black (?!?)
Current mood: rumbly in my tumbly?

So... what's up? Nothing much going on here.
Completed my FAFSA application, which was, of course, a huge joke. Need to contact the financial aid dept. of NESOP and start begging. Should be good times!
Got to see Mandy on Monday! A bunch of us went to El Seranos for drinks and apps and then we went to Tara's house to visit with her parents for a bit. Went to BJ's with Della and got a cake, the idea being to consume the whole thing in one go. Then Mandy and I went to her house and talked/nibbled on cake until about 8am. Old school! It was super good times seeing her again; as always!
Also on Monday, I went to the gym (yay me!) and then to see Wall*E (hells yeah!). I sniffled the whole way through!
Other than that? Work has been slow. Painfully so, in fact. I've been getting a good bit of knitting done. I'm working on this scarf, which sounds loser and cliche, but it's actually cabled and tied and all kinds of crazy stuff, so it's pretty time consuming. I like to tell myself that I can use it this winter in Boston. I'm really hoping that that will be true. *crosses fingers* I've been looking through jobs on craigslist and have applied for a bunch of office and serving jobs. Sadly, I'm thinking serving is gonna be the way to go, especially if I'm going back to school. I've seen some with benefits and everything, too, so that would be nice. I do misses me some health insurance! And that would make it much easier to move up there.
So...yeah...
Laters.

ps, Came across this on imdb:
"If it were up to me, how would the characters' relationships conclude in Serenity 2? Okay. Hypothetically speaking only. River and Zoe really hit it off, fall in love, and decide to form their own renegade girls-who-kick-ass space team and leave us in the dust; Mal realizes he's more destroyed over Wash's death than he ever thought and spends the rest of his days wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking booze out of the engine; Simon and Kaylee have a set of genius triplets and turn the ship into a cocker spaniel search-and-rescue with "crazy Grandpa Mal" still at the helm cradling toy dinosaurs; and Inara finally realizes the potential in Jayne as a male companion, loans him a toga, and takes him back to the training house where they become King and Companion Queen...you know you want that sequel! [writing on her blog]" - Jewel Staite
hee!

Hells yeah!!

Current song in head: I Shot the Sheriff-- Bob Marley
Current mood: felicitous!

I got in!! :-D

Current song in my head: Ziggy Stardust-- David Bowie
Current mood: fine?

Hm... Not much has been going on lately?
Today I spent an hour on the phone with the admissions director of NESOP. He was very nice (he reminded me of a slower-spoken Brendan) and helpful. The basic gist is that it sounds really cool but I'm going to need a lot of money. Not nearly as much as for Lehigh or pretty much any other school, but still. The good news is, if FAFSA won't give me anything because I don't qualify as an independent according them (even though I am?) I won't have to reapply if I want to push back my start until Oct '09 (instead Feb '09). So yeah... They have an open house on August 10th and I guess I'm gonna try to go.
What else?
Yesterday I walked to a B&B near here (half a mile? a mile?) and took some pics of their goats and llama.
Hee!
I reapplied for a passport last week. In case you missed out on that one, it turns out the fire-safe lock box I had it in in my room at school was not leak proof. THAT was a fun (and costly) discovery. Anyway, I was told the current processing period is only four weeks, so I guess that's nice. Not that I'm going anywhere anytime soon...
Which brings me to Boston. My boss told me that his partner's mom lives in Jamaica Plain and she just renovated her place or something and is considering renting a room. 'Twould be sweet, I guess. I really REALLY want to live completely on my own, but that's probably gonna take a while. So if anyone knows of anywhere cheap to live or has any job leads for the Boston area, lemme know!
Also, I started an outline for the business plan for my diner. Only took me a year! If anyone knows anything about writing a business plan and anything else business related, some help would be muchly appreciated!
Oh! And I finally finished the desk that I was refinishing and got it up into my room!! It looks pretty awesome! I should post a pic...
I guess that's it? A bit of depressingness: within a month any friends I have within driving distance will have moved away. :-( All the more reason for me to leave as well?!?
Also, R.I.P. George Carlin. :-( *insert string of profanities here!*

peace.

Good Deed

Current song in head: Feelin' Good-- Michael Buble
Current mood: bored-ish

My mom and I were driving back from my doctors appt. this evening when we saw one of the neighborhood boys lying under his bike and crying. When I asked him if he was ok, he just wailed so I immediately jumped out and tried to lift his bike off. He yelled and I realized he was stuck to it. His shoe lace had gotten seriously wrapped around the chain and pedal, locking his foot to it. We couldn't get it unknotted and it was too tight to slide his foot out... Luckily two neighbor guys saw us struggling and ran over with some pruning shears to cut him loose. He checked his ankle and foot and he was ok, just a little bruised. We drove him up the street to his house and walked his bike back for him and we all lived happily ever after.
The End.

ps, Bike chain grease is refusing to wash off of my arm.

Vision Statement

Current song in my head: Breaking Up-- Rilo Kiley
Current Mood: meh...

Business has been slow this week, so last night Raphael gave me a free coaching session (something he charges around $150 per hour for!). He often discusses his ideas and beliefs with me and he was telling me last night about a meeting he had with a potential business partner. This man is into astrology, spirituality and psychology, and massage therapy. He told Raphael that he believes that the past and the future don't exist, only the present is real. It's true if you think about it. The past is done and gone and doesn't really exist anymore; it's just memory. The future is just possibility, right? Or destiny, maybe, if you prefer. This man also believes that just by saying something, it comes true, because you've thought it, and put it out there. Raphael was enthralled by all of this, because it's basically what he believes, too, just put a little differently. He's very much into the Law of Attraction (positive energy and attitude attracts positive things, same with negative) and manifestation.
So, keeping all of this in mind...
He had me rate eight areas of my life and then my homework was to write out what each area would look like in it's ideal. I did it (see below) and then this morning he went over it with me and was very pleased. Now that I have written everything out, I'm supposed to put it away and forget about it. I've thought about it, put it out into the universe, and now I wait to receive. He says it's like a restaurant. You go and decide what you want. You give your order to the server and then you sit back and trust them to bring you what you asked for. I really liked doing this because it was nice to sit down and think long and hard about what I want in each aspect of my life and write it down.
And so, without further ado, my vision statement (keep in mind, it's written in the present because the future doesn't really exist):
Friends and Family
*My parents trust me to live my life and make adult decisions. We have a loving relationship with mutual respect.
*Help and support are there when I need it. I always return the favor.
*I stay in contact with friends, regardless of how far away/busy we are.
*I am fine spending time by myself, but I also make new friends.
*These is always someone to talk to/listen. I am always there to listen and offer comfort/advice/dessert.
Career
*I make a living as a photographer/artist. I enjoy it immensely--I am always eager to work and create. My inspiration and creativity always flourish! I have willing subjects and plentiful supplies.
*I am opening my diner. It is everything I hoped and dreamed and nerds everywhere adore it-- it shall be the Geek Mecca! Everything runs smoothly and business is steady.
*I have a samll farm with goats and llamas and a few chickens. I am totally self-sufficient, making and growing everything I need.
Personal Development
*I continue to grow and learn. I am always positive and manifest the best destiny I can.
*I am a beautiful person (inside and out) who does beautiful things.
*I take action!
*I have more patience when working towards my goals.
*I live in the NOW.
Physical Environment
*I have a clean and organized space.
*I am always able to feel settled and at-home. (There is more to home than material objects)
*I always feel welcome, comfortable and safe.
Health and Fitness
*I weigh at least 120 lbs
*I stay in shape, stay active (walk, bike, lift, dance, bowl, throw, etc.) and get plenty of fresh air.
*I am more conscious of how/what I eat. More: organic, free range, fresh/local, homegrown, etc. Less: HFCS, chemicals and preservatives, GMO's.
*Meds are unnecessary.
Fun and Recreation
*I am learning to crochet.
*There are always swings! And libraries! And crafty projects!
*I get out frequently.
*I continue to express myself artistically.
*I sing.
*I write a book/screen play.
Finances
*I am financially responsible and independent. I buy what I need and show restraint with what I want. I make all payments on time, easily, with plenty left over.
*I am saving for retirement, kids and college.
*I earn a comfortable living and am able to donate generous amounts to charities.
Romance
*I am fine on my own. Being with someone is ok, too.
Ideal partner:
*Tall, dark...handsome is nice, but optional. Accents are always welcome!!
*Musical. Likes to dance. (Playing guitar and singing on key would be nice)
*Open, shares, a willing listener. Patient, understanding, generous, kind, empathetic, smart.
*Sense of humor, but takes me seriously.
*Pacifist. Environmentally friendly/aware.
*Non-smoking. Healthy.
*Motivated, contributes, earns a comfortable living.
*Good with kids and animals; fine with adoption.
*Likes movies, traveling, spontaneity, cuddling.
*Embraces the inner child, but is mature.
*Celebrates with me (b-days, holidays, anniversaries, etc.).
*Love and support through everything.
*Mutual respect.
*Wants to spend time with me and go do things.


So there you have it. I know it's kinda cheesy, but it feels really nice to see that I do actually know what I want.

<3

Question of the Day

Current song in head: Does he love you-- Rilo Kiley
Current mood: bored/depressed!!

Which is worse: poverty or no independence? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I know what I want the answer to be... I had a lot of pride in how I could take care of myself and everything before. I think that's why it was so hard for me to admit that I couldn't do it anymore. It just killed me to know that I couldn't handle everything on my own. It also didn't help that living at home, for me (especially now), means a great deal of dependence. My parents are giving me a roof and food. My family doctor hasn't been charging me for my numerous visits and he gives me free samples of medication that I would otherwise be paying large sums for. My limited income is going towards gas and trying to pay back house mates as quickly as possible. I cannot afford to live on my own. I know this. Yet all I want to do is be on my own again.
Before, the idea of moving somewhere by myself was more than daunting, but there's nothing to hold me back anymore. All of my friends are moving away and I'm stupidly, painfully lonely now anyway. What's the difference between being lonely here or somewhere else?
I love my parents and I am incredibly grateful for all of their help and support. I really am. But if I were living somewhere else, I wouldn't dread coming home to tell my mom how little I made at work that day. I wouldn't be blamed for my sister not doing the dishes, for not 'pulling my weight when I'm not working'. I could stay up and read as late as I want without worrying that my mom is going to get up and make me go to bed. I could wear and do whatever I please without being told I can't because the neighbors might disapprove. I could express myself artistically without being told that I'm wasting my time and money. I could cry without having to answer lots of questions.
I feel like the day I admitted complete and utter defeat and checked myself into the hospital is the day my independence died. I miss it more than anything else (except being able to see my friends whenever). Now there will always be people who are worried about me. There will always be lots of questions. It feels like there will always be medications, too. It feels like I'm never going to catch up enough to be able to support myself again. It's not like I've never had to work to get what I want, but I really wish that things could come easy for once. I'm trying so hard to be positive about things, but it's really hard when it feels like everyone but me is going somewhere. I know I'm making progress, but it feels like it's so slow in coming.
And while I'm venting all of my frustrations I'll share this... Tom actually had the balls to message me yesterday and say that if I want to avoid seeing him on Monday (when I have to finish moving the rest of my stuff) I had better come early because he's at the mercy of a friend for a ride back from a party and there's no telling when he might return. Excuse me, but wasn't I the one that had to FUCKING MOVE????? You'd think the least he could do would be to inconvenience himself for a short while to make my moving as easy and inawkward as possible. Guess not. Thanks a lot! Now I'm going to be ready to drop over from anxiety in case he should be about to walk in the door. Also, my mom said I'm not allowed to stay a little longer after them to hang out with Rich (who I will be seeing for the last time!!). It promises to be a super awesome day.
At least on Tuesday I get to go see Hayley. Hopefully.
Also I mailed my application for the New England School of Photography today, so here's hopin'!

On Dreaming and Commencement

Current song in my head: some classical piece that plays at work all the time
Current mood: pensive?/groggy
Current contents of my tummy: baguette, goat cheese, huge fuck-all piece of torte, chocolate milk

So, commencement= miserable. Cold. Windy. Rainy. I came super close to leaving before it even started. I have to admit, that I am super grateful for the rain because the thought of sitting through the Engineers made me want to throw up and die a little bit. I had been dreading that especially for a week. Thank you, rain gods, for sparing me!!
After the ceremony, we went to Ichiban (!!!!!) to eat. It was nice and quiet there, so we didn't have to wait forever like all the other fools who went to the Brew Works and stuff. I think I totally earned those fried noodles. :-D
The gathering on Tuesday was super nice. It felt great to be surrounded by so many people that I love and miss. I was super glad to be able to see/catch up with people before they all move away. Girl talk with Rich was super fab. Guitar hero was entertaining, as always. I hope everyone had as great a time as I did.
I REALLY miss having a social life. Even a small, pathetic one. :-P

This morning I had a pretty crazy dream. This is by no means the first (or last) crazy Kat dream, but this one was pretty special, I think. I want someone to analyze it and explain it to me.
In the main part of the dream, I was with this big group of people in some sort of large flying thing. I don't think it was an airplane... more like an air ship? Anyway, I was with all of the these people that I didn't know and somehow we all knew that there was a veloceraptor loose on the ship with us. Needless to say, there was much fear and attempting to hide. Despite everyone's best efforts, this thing was slowly picking us off, one by one, quite stealthily. You'd think you'd know if something that big was coming up behind you, but no. This was some sort of silent ninja dinosaur. It was all popping out of vents and grabbing people and stuff. Eventually, we decide we have to try to lure it off the ship. How do you trick a very smart, giant lizard into walking off a ship that is VERY far off the ground? Well, we opened these heavy swinging doors that lead outside and we grabbed onto them as they swung outwards so we were hanging onto the outside of the ship, basically. People started linking up and were hanging in chains from the doors. Some people were trying to jump, rather than face the raptor, but the hanging people would catch them. Eventually, the raptor chased a little girl out the door and she fell and people crowded up behind the raptor and started trying to push it through the doors. It ended up waltzing out, arm in arm with Chris Dennis (this guy from high school) who decided to fall with the raptor to save everyone else. Then we all climbed back inside and realized there was no pilot and the ship was going to crash eventually. That's when I woke up.
This was, nerdily enough, not the first dream I've had about a dinosaur. I'd like to know what Dr. Freud would say about it... :-P

In other news, I am going to apply to photography schools. The one I am most seriously considering at the moment is the New England School of Photography in Boston. I need to seriously work on my portfolio before applying, so anyone who's interested in helping, let me know. I have tons of ideas (as always).

<3

New Mantra

Raphael (my boss) is reading this book called Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain. I've started skimming through it, and yesterday it inspired me to make this my mantra:

You are a BEAUTIFUL Person (inside and out) who will do BEAUTIFUL Things.

I thought this seemed like a good first step with the Law of Attraction and positive thinking and all the stuff he talks about. Well, maybe half and hour after I started chanting this to myself, Raphael stops and looks at me and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you have a classic look? You know, that means a classic beauty. I'm not saying that as a compliment, it's just a fact."
Ha! Score one for Ms. Gawain! :-P I read that if you believe you are something (beautiful, strong, weak, stupid, etc.) it will be true. It's supposed to be a sort of 'you reap what you sew' thing. That sounds pretty good to me.
So, my goal is to keep up with this affirmation. You're supposed to think it as often as possible, and I'm doing a pretty good job so far. I want to believe this so hard that I don't even have to think it to exude all the beautifulnessosity.

So there.

ps, A fly has materialized out of nowhere and keeps attacking me. This is not a beautiful thing to do, fly!!

La petite dejeune en francais et les choses comme ca...

Current song in head: Saturday Night -- Cat Stevens (my boss and I were singing this last night)
Current mood: tired/not looking forward to work

So I got to serve breakfast on Friday in French. Tres cool! There were three couples staying in the B&B and Raphael let me come in and serve them. Hee! They were super jovial folks.

Last night was crazy at work. So busy! Really stressful, but fruitful. AND my last table spoke French! How crazy is that?? Two tables in two days! The husband was French and the wife was American. Again, super nice people. They said they'd come back with friends and request me!

Today is going to be super busy and probably horrible. Mother's Day is the busiest of the year. I hope it goes well... At least, we should make a ton of money. Too bad I can't actually spend Mother's Day with my mom. We're not even allowed to get her anything because she wants us to keep our money. Poo!

La nostalgie, etc.

Current song: Mrs. O -- The Dresden Dolls
Current mood: see title :-P

I feel like I miss so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss Europe. I really miss my independence. I've found myself, in the past few days, wishing that I could just pack up and go somewhere and not come back (at least not for some time). I'm going to try to save up enough by my b-day (six months) to go to Japan and China to see Rich and Phil. I know that's a bit grandiose, but I find big goals like that help keep me going sometimes.
It's a bit overwhelming, really, to think of all the options I have now. Or, at least, could have. I feel like I have a lot of catching up (financially and probably mentally) before I can go anywhere. I can't wait to be caught up. There are so many things I want to see and do. I want to be an artist. I want a small farm, where I can be totally self-sufficient. I want my diner. I want to see India and Africa. I want to photograph everything, everywhere. I want to be wanted-- even needed. I've even found lately that I want to be desirable. I'm not entirely sure why; maybe it has something to do with having been abandoned, from a relationship where I often felt unwanted. I was a convenience. It's not that I feel I need to be in a relationship (I don't). I don't know. I don't just want someone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or whatever. I don't need that kind of stuff (never have, hopefully never will). It would just be really swell to know that it's possible for someone to want/need me as much as I want/need them (and have it work out). In sadness and craziness and all the weird, frustrating Katness. I feel like that's asking a lot.

In other news, I served at my first wedding today. No one could believe I've never been to one before. I don't know that this actually counts as having been to one... At any rate, $20 an hour is pretty fucking sweet. :-P

*sigh* I think that's enough loser for today.
Nighty night, blogosphere.

Smells Like Neem Spirit...

Current song in head: The Beat Goes On -- Sunny and Cher
Current mood: meh...tired

So, neem is pretty much the best scent ever and I totally associate it with cleanliness. Neem makes me want to shower, and if you know me, you know that really means something. Go neem!

Work was long today. Lunch had an unexpected number of people. This one older couple commented on my 'absolutely fabulous' complexion and how I must spend fortunes on sunscreen. When I told them I never remember to wear it, they lectured me about skin cancer and all the things they've had removed/surgeries they've had because of the evil sun. Okie dokie. Thanks for the advice.
I was also compared to a rabbit tonight, by a slightly-less-than-sane gf of a cook. Awesome. I tried to escape the situation mentally by deciding that if I were a rabbit, my name would be Princess Sparkleface 3000. I'd be a pretty bad ass rabbit, I guess.

And with that, I bid you good evening.

Nighty night!

On Missing and Wanting, Change and Rain

Current song in head: Drive-in Saturday -- David Bowie
Current mood: frustrated/antsy

Feeling super restless at the moment. I have all these little projects going and no motivation/patience for any of it right now. I really miss having Hayley and Rich around all the time, close by, for girl talk and such. I know they're still there for me, but I miss contact. I miss hugs and cuddling (not necessarily from them, just in general). I miss frolicking on campus.
I miss being able to pay attention to something for longer than five minutes. I miss my drug-free brain, in general. Minus the severe depression, of course.
There are certain people that I am really regretting not getting to know better. I feel like it's too late to try now and I'm kicking myself for being such a chicken shit for the past few years. I still don't understand why certain people would want to talk to and spend time with me. I don't think it's a self-esteem thing, honestly. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I never understand these things.
Timing can be so frustrating. I'm so glad that the old Kat is slowly coming back, but in some ways I feel like it's too late to enjoy certain things and get to know some people. If that makes any sense... I know I shouldn't look at things that way. Really, I'm much more positive now, than I thought I'd ever be able to be again. I'm really super proud of myself for that.
I've come a very long way. Looking back at the Kat From Two Months Ago is weird. It's hard to believe I'm the same person. I guess in a lot of ways I'm not. It's nice to have confidence again. It's great to find myself smiling about practically nothing. It's great to be surrounded by people who really love and support me. Mature, caring people. Those are important people to have in your life, kids.
When I was in the hospital, I kept telling myself 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and I was scoffing at it. I'd never felt so weak before; so helpless and lost and pathetic. Well it didn't kill me and I am much much stronger for it. Smarter and more mature (hopefully) as well.

On a completely different note, why do people try to make rain scented stuff?? The smell of rain cannot be duplicated. Think about it. (I did for quite some time yesterday :-P)

Current song in head: Money Maker-- Rilo Kiley
Current Mood: apprehensive/grateful

I do not want to go to work! I want to stay at home and play! *pout*
On the other hand, money is pretty awesome (unfortunately).

My time at Lehigh was pretty fabulous. Lots of great conversation and an interesting...revelation? I miss people there and it was nice to see them. It was also super nice to be able to give the boys/Berc some money towards my crushing debt. A $45 step in the right direction. Finally.
Hayls and I had a dance party and listened to a couple versions of Sexual Healing (a song that some would say aught to be my anthem :-P). We took a walk around campus to cool off and we took a gander at the projects in Candler Ullman, which was really neato and totally encouraged my extremely strong desire to be an artist.
Hayls decided that we should do something on campus that we might never be able to do again, so... you know those new fountains in front of the Memorial building? Well, they are quite cold when you run through them... Tee hee! I've wanted to do it since they installed them, and now that's a big ol' check mark! I highly recommend it, especially on a hot night. ;-P
We talked to Little Tom and Mike for a long while in the kitchen of the Green House, which was quite lovely. The next morning I had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts (fuck yeah!) with Sedale. Again, lovely time and conversation. He is so incredibly sweet, it's hard to believe he really exists sometimes. He even treated me to my 65 cent donut!
I sincerely wish I could visit all the time between now and commencement, but, alas!, I am now a productive member of society and no longer have nothing but free time. I do, however, have gas money now and Mondays and Tuesdays off, so... yeah. If you wanna see me, you know where to find me/ when I might need to be put up. :-P
Laters.

ps, My real current anthem is Breaking Up by Rilo Kiley... Great song!!!
pps, In fact that whole album, Under the Blacklight, is pretty damn fabulous. Give it a listen, will you?
ppps, Apparently Indian cricket now has cheerleaders... How scandalous!

Hearts, Stars and Rainbows

Current song in my head: In Dreams (FotR OS)
Current mood: shiny

I missed the old Kat.

I'm glad she's come back. She's much more fun, and definitely much prettier colors. :-P


ps, The cat is snoring. Hee.
pps, I made almost eighty bucks last night. First night on the job = not too shabby, kids.
ppps, Sir Poncy Pyewacket now has some crazy old man hair and a monocle. In case anyone cares.
pppps, I care.

And then there was blog....

Current song in head: Silver Lining-- Rilo Kiley
Current read: The Red Tent-- Anita Diamant
Current Mood: ?!?


So, I've decided, what with this 'new life' and all, I might as well start a new blog. Why? Cuz I can, I suppose. I've been thinkin' about it for a while and I wish I'd started sooner, because I've had a lot on my mind and, up puntil Saturday, have been spending most of my time by myself. Now that Jess is back from Roma (bearing some frickin' sweet gifts!) it's better. She's currently watching The Exorcist, which I happen to think is a pretty awful movie.
So, what, you may be asking yourself, is new in Kat Land? Well, today I FINALLY got a job! After months of unemployment, I am once again going to be a server (because apparently, that's all I'll ever amount to :-P). I'll be working at the historic Railroad House in Marietta; a short bike ride away (woot!!) I start training in a little bit, actually. Crazy, considering I applied this afternoon.
Hm, what else? Yesterday we went to Roots for some produce and then saw-- are you ready??-- BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY speak at Elizabethtown College for Earth Day. That man is awesome with a capital AWESOME. For serious, he was great.
I have lots of little projects going at the moment, which I'll write about later, and lots more I want to do. Basically, I've decided I want to be an artist. Like, for a living. This, however, takes money, so I gotta work on catching up financially before I can really start crankin' stuff out. Hayls was awesome enough to introduce me to Etsy, which I think may be the best thing ever (aside from, mayhaps, Gizmodo). So, now that I have a job I am feeling much more encouraged as far as that goes.
I've also been putting a lot of thought into what I want to do down the road, which I will also elaborate on later. It will be supa fab gawjus, just know that. :-D