La nostalgie, etc.

Current song: Mrs. O -- The Dresden Dolls
Current mood: see title :-P

I feel like I miss so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss Europe. I really miss my independence. I've found myself, in the past few days, wishing that I could just pack up and go somewhere and not come back (at least not for some time). I'm going to try to save up enough by my b-day (six months) to go to Japan and China to see Rich and Phil. I know that's a bit grandiose, but I find big goals like that help keep me going sometimes.
It's a bit overwhelming, really, to think of all the options I have now. Or, at least, could have. I feel like I have a lot of catching up (financially and probably mentally) before I can go anywhere. I can't wait to be caught up. There are so many things I want to see and do. I want to be an artist. I want a small farm, where I can be totally self-sufficient. I want my diner. I want to see India and Africa. I want to photograph everything, everywhere. I want to be wanted-- even needed. I've even found lately that I want to be desirable. I'm not entirely sure why; maybe it has something to do with having been abandoned, from a relationship where I often felt unwanted. I was a convenience. It's not that I feel I need to be in a relationship (I don't). I don't know. I don't just want someone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or whatever. I don't need that kind of stuff (never have, hopefully never will). It would just be really swell to know that it's possible for someone to want/need me as much as I want/need them (and have it work out). In sadness and craziness and all the weird, frustrating Katness. I feel like that's asking a lot.

In other news, I served at my first wedding today. No one could believe I've never been to one before. I don't know that this actually counts as having been to one... At any rate, $20 an hour is pretty fucking sweet. :-P

*sigh* I think that's enough loser for today.
Nighty night, blogosphere.