Question of the Day

Current song in head: Does he love you-- Rilo Kiley
Current mood: bored/depressed!!

Which is worse: poverty or no independence? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I know what I want the answer to be... I had a lot of pride in how I could take care of myself and everything before. I think that's why it was so hard for me to admit that I couldn't do it anymore. It just killed me to know that I couldn't handle everything on my own. It also didn't help that living at home, for me (especially now), means a great deal of dependence. My parents are giving me a roof and food. My family doctor hasn't been charging me for my numerous visits and he gives me free samples of medication that I would otherwise be paying large sums for. My limited income is going towards gas and trying to pay back house mates as quickly as possible. I cannot afford to live on my own. I know this. Yet all I want to do is be on my own again.
Before, the idea of moving somewhere by myself was more than daunting, but there's nothing to hold me back anymore. All of my friends are moving away and I'm stupidly, painfully lonely now anyway. What's the difference between being lonely here or somewhere else?
I love my parents and I am incredibly grateful for all of their help and support. I really am. But if I were living somewhere else, I wouldn't dread coming home to tell my mom how little I made at work that day. I wouldn't be blamed for my sister not doing the dishes, for not 'pulling my weight when I'm not working'. I could stay up and read as late as I want without worrying that my mom is going to get up and make me go to bed. I could wear and do whatever I please without being told I can't because the neighbors might disapprove. I could express myself artistically without being told that I'm wasting my time and money. I could cry without having to answer lots of questions.
I feel like the day I admitted complete and utter defeat and checked myself into the hospital is the day my independence died. I miss it more than anything else (except being able to see my friends whenever). Now there will always be people who are worried about me. There will always be lots of questions. It feels like there will always be medications, too. It feels like I'm never going to catch up enough to be able to support myself again. It's not like I've never had to work to get what I want, but I really wish that things could come easy for once. I'm trying so hard to be positive about things, but it's really hard when it feels like everyone but me is going somewhere. I know I'm making progress, but it feels like it's so slow in coming.
And while I'm venting all of my frustrations I'll share this... Tom actually had the balls to message me yesterday and say that if I want to avoid seeing him on Monday (when I have to finish moving the rest of my stuff) I had better come early because he's at the mercy of a friend for a ride back from a party and there's no telling when he might return. Excuse me, but wasn't I the one that had to FUCKING MOVE????? You'd think the least he could do would be to inconvenience himself for a short while to make my moving as easy and inawkward as possible. Guess not. Thanks a lot! Now I'm going to be ready to drop over from anxiety in case he should be about to walk in the door. Also, my mom said I'm not allowed to stay a little longer after them to hang out with Rich (who I will be seeing for the last time!!). It promises to be a super awesome day.
At least on Tuesday I get to go see Hayley. Hopefully.
Also I mailed my application for the New England School of Photography today, so here's hopin'!