Vision Statement

Current song in my head: Breaking Up-- Rilo Kiley
Current Mood: meh...

Business has been slow this week, so last night Raphael gave me a free coaching session (something he charges around $150 per hour for!). He often discusses his ideas and beliefs with me and he was telling me last night about a meeting he had with a potential business partner. This man is into astrology, spirituality and psychology, and massage therapy. He told Raphael that he believes that the past and the future don't exist, only the present is real. It's true if you think about it. The past is done and gone and doesn't really exist anymore; it's just memory. The future is just possibility, right? Or destiny, maybe, if you prefer. This man also believes that just by saying something, it comes true, because you've thought it, and put it out there. Raphael was enthralled by all of this, because it's basically what he believes, too, just put a little differently. He's very much into the Law of Attraction (positive energy and attitude attracts positive things, same with negative) and manifestation.
So, keeping all of this in mind...
He had me rate eight areas of my life and then my homework was to write out what each area would look like in it's ideal. I did it (see below) and then this morning he went over it with me and was very pleased. Now that I have written everything out, I'm supposed to put it away and forget about it. I've thought about it, put it out into the universe, and now I wait to receive. He says it's like a restaurant. You go and decide what you want. You give your order to the server and then you sit back and trust them to bring you what you asked for. I really liked doing this because it was nice to sit down and think long and hard about what I want in each aspect of my life and write it down.
And so, without further ado, my vision statement (keep in mind, it's written in the present because the future doesn't really exist):
Friends and Family
*My parents trust me to live my life and make adult decisions. We have a loving relationship with mutual respect.
*Help and support are there when I need it. I always return the favor.
*I stay in contact with friends, regardless of how far away/busy we are.
*I am fine spending time by myself, but I also make new friends.
*These is always someone to talk to/listen. I am always there to listen and offer comfort/advice/dessert.
Career
*I make a living as a photographer/artist. I enjoy it immensely--I am always eager to work and create. My inspiration and creativity always flourish! I have willing subjects and plentiful supplies.
*I am opening my diner. It is everything I hoped and dreamed and nerds everywhere adore it-- it shall be the Geek Mecca! Everything runs smoothly and business is steady.
*I have a samll farm with goats and llamas and a few chickens. I am totally self-sufficient, making and growing everything I need.
Personal Development
*I continue to grow and learn. I am always positive and manifest the best destiny I can.
*I am a beautiful person (inside and out) who does beautiful things.
*I take action!
*I have more patience when working towards my goals.
*I live in the NOW.
Physical Environment
*I have a clean and organized space.
*I am always able to feel settled and at-home. (There is more to home than material objects)
*I always feel welcome, comfortable and safe.
Health and Fitness
*I weigh at least 120 lbs
*I stay in shape, stay active (walk, bike, lift, dance, bowl, throw, etc.) and get plenty of fresh air.
*I am more conscious of how/what I eat. More: organic, free range, fresh/local, homegrown, etc. Less: HFCS, chemicals and preservatives, GMO's.
*Meds are unnecessary.
Fun and Recreation
*I am learning to crochet.
*There are always swings! And libraries! And crafty projects!
*I get out frequently.
*I continue to express myself artistically.
*I sing.
*I write a book/screen play.
Finances
*I am financially responsible and independent. I buy what I need and show restraint with what I want. I make all payments on time, easily, with plenty left over.
*I am saving for retirement, kids and college.
*I earn a comfortable living and am able to donate generous amounts to charities.
Romance
*I am fine on my own. Being with someone is ok, too.
Ideal partner:
*Tall, dark...handsome is nice, but optional. Accents are always welcome!!
*Musical. Likes to dance. (Playing guitar and singing on key would be nice)
*Open, shares, a willing listener. Patient, understanding, generous, kind, empathetic, smart.
*Sense of humor, but takes me seriously.
*Pacifist. Environmentally friendly/aware.
*Non-smoking. Healthy.
*Motivated, contributes, earns a comfortable living.
*Good with kids and animals; fine with adoption.
*Likes movies, traveling, spontaneity, cuddling.
*Embraces the inner child, but is mature.
*Celebrates with me (b-days, holidays, anniversaries, etc.).
*Love and support through everything.
*Mutual respect.
*Wants to spend time with me and go do things.


So there you have it. I know it's kinda cheesy, but it feels really nice to see that I do actually know what I want.

<3

Question of the Day

Current song in head: Does he love you-- Rilo Kiley
Current mood: bored/depressed!!

Which is worse: poverty or no independence? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I know what I want the answer to be... I had a lot of pride in how I could take care of myself and everything before. I think that's why it was so hard for me to admit that I couldn't do it anymore. It just killed me to know that I couldn't handle everything on my own. It also didn't help that living at home, for me (especially now), means a great deal of dependence. My parents are giving me a roof and food. My family doctor hasn't been charging me for my numerous visits and he gives me free samples of medication that I would otherwise be paying large sums for. My limited income is going towards gas and trying to pay back house mates as quickly as possible. I cannot afford to live on my own. I know this. Yet all I want to do is be on my own again.
Before, the idea of moving somewhere by myself was more than daunting, but there's nothing to hold me back anymore. All of my friends are moving away and I'm stupidly, painfully lonely now anyway. What's the difference between being lonely here or somewhere else?
I love my parents and I am incredibly grateful for all of their help and support. I really am. But if I were living somewhere else, I wouldn't dread coming home to tell my mom how little I made at work that day. I wouldn't be blamed for my sister not doing the dishes, for not 'pulling my weight when I'm not working'. I could stay up and read as late as I want without worrying that my mom is going to get up and make me go to bed. I could wear and do whatever I please without being told I can't because the neighbors might disapprove. I could express myself artistically without being told that I'm wasting my time and money. I could cry without having to answer lots of questions.
I feel like the day I admitted complete and utter defeat and checked myself into the hospital is the day my independence died. I miss it more than anything else (except being able to see my friends whenever). Now there will always be people who are worried about me. There will always be lots of questions. It feels like there will always be medications, too. It feels like I'm never going to catch up enough to be able to support myself again. It's not like I've never had to work to get what I want, but I really wish that things could come easy for once. I'm trying so hard to be positive about things, but it's really hard when it feels like everyone but me is going somewhere. I know I'm making progress, but it feels like it's so slow in coming.
And while I'm venting all of my frustrations I'll share this... Tom actually had the balls to message me yesterday and say that if I want to avoid seeing him on Monday (when I have to finish moving the rest of my stuff) I had better come early because he's at the mercy of a friend for a ride back from a party and there's no telling when he might return. Excuse me, but wasn't I the one that had to FUCKING MOVE????? You'd think the least he could do would be to inconvenience himself for a short while to make my moving as easy and inawkward as possible. Guess not. Thanks a lot! Now I'm going to be ready to drop over from anxiety in case he should be about to walk in the door. Also, my mom said I'm not allowed to stay a little longer after them to hang out with Rich (who I will be seeing for the last time!!). It promises to be a super awesome day.
At least on Tuesday I get to go see Hayley. Hopefully.
Also I mailed my application for the New England School of Photography today, so here's hopin'!

On Dreaming and Commencement

Current song in my head: some classical piece that plays at work all the time
Current mood: pensive?/groggy
Current contents of my tummy: baguette, goat cheese, huge fuck-all piece of torte, chocolate milk

So, commencement= miserable. Cold. Windy. Rainy. I came super close to leaving before it even started. I have to admit, that I am super grateful for the rain because the thought of sitting through the Engineers made me want to throw up and die a little bit. I had been dreading that especially for a week. Thank you, rain gods, for sparing me!!
After the ceremony, we went to Ichiban (!!!!!) to eat. It was nice and quiet there, so we didn't have to wait forever like all the other fools who went to the Brew Works and stuff. I think I totally earned those fried noodles. :-D
The gathering on Tuesday was super nice. It felt great to be surrounded by so many people that I love and miss. I was super glad to be able to see/catch up with people before they all move away. Girl talk with Rich was super fab. Guitar hero was entertaining, as always. I hope everyone had as great a time as I did.
I REALLY miss having a social life. Even a small, pathetic one. :-P

This morning I had a pretty crazy dream. This is by no means the first (or last) crazy Kat dream, but this one was pretty special, I think. I want someone to analyze it and explain it to me.
In the main part of the dream, I was with this big group of people in some sort of large flying thing. I don't think it was an airplane... more like an air ship? Anyway, I was with all of the these people that I didn't know and somehow we all knew that there was a veloceraptor loose on the ship with us. Needless to say, there was much fear and attempting to hide. Despite everyone's best efforts, this thing was slowly picking us off, one by one, quite stealthily. You'd think you'd know if something that big was coming up behind you, but no. This was some sort of silent ninja dinosaur. It was all popping out of vents and grabbing people and stuff. Eventually, we decide we have to try to lure it off the ship. How do you trick a very smart, giant lizard into walking off a ship that is VERY far off the ground? Well, we opened these heavy swinging doors that lead outside and we grabbed onto them as they swung outwards so we were hanging onto the outside of the ship, basically. People started linking up and were hanging in chains from the doors. Some people were trying to jump, rather than face the raptor, but the hanging people would catch them. Eventually, the raptor chased a little girl out the door and she fell and people crowded up behind the raptor and started trying to push it through the doors. It ended up waltzing out, arm in arm with Chris Dennis (this guy from high school) who decided to fall with the raptor to save everyone else. Then we all climbed back inside and realized there was no pilot and the ship was going to crash eventually. That's when I woke up.
This was, nerdily enough, not the first dream I've had about a dinosaur. I'd like to know what Dr. Freud would say about it... :-P

In other news, I am going to apply to photography schools. The one I am most seriously considering at the moment is the New England School of Photography in Boston. I need to seriously work on my portfolio before applying, so anyone who's interested in helping, let me know. I have tons of ideas (as always).

<3

New Mantra

Raphael (my boss) is reading this book called Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain. I've started skimming through it, and yesterday it inspired me to make this my mantra:

You are a BEAUTIFUL Person (inside and out) who will do BEAUTIFUL Things.

I thought this seemed like a good first step with the Law of Attraction and positive thinking and all the stuff he talks about. Well, maybe half and hour after I started chanting this to myself, Raphael stops and looks at me and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you have a classic look? You know, that means a classic beauty. I'm not saying that as a compliment, it's just a fact."
Ha! Score one for Ms. Gawain! :-P I read that if you believe you are something (beautiful, strong, weak, stupid, etc.) it will be true. It's supposed to be a sort of 'you reap what you sew' thing. That sounds pretty good to me.
So, my goal is to keep up with this affirmation. You're supposed to think it as often as possible, and I'm doing a pretty good job so far. I want to believe this so hard that I don't even have to think it to exude all the beautifulnessosity.

So there.

ps, A fly has materialized out of nowhere and keeps attacking me. This is not a beautiful thing to do, fly!!

La petite dejeune en francais et les choses comme ca...

Current song in head: Saturday Night -- Cat Stevens (my boss and I were singing this last night)
Current mood: tired/not looking forward to work

So I got to serve breakfast on Friday in French. Tres cool! There were three couples staying in the B&B and Raphael let me come in and serve them. Hee! They were super jovial folks.

Last night was crazy at work. So busy! Really stressful, but fruitful. AND my last table spoke French! How crazy is that?? Two tables in two days! The husband was French and the wife was American. Again, super nice people. They said they'd come back with friends and request me!

Today is going to be super busy and probably horrible. Mother's Day is the busiest of the year. I hope it goes well... At least, we should make a ton of money. Too bad I can't actually spend Mother's Day with my mom. We're not even allowed to get her anything because she wants us to keep our money. Poo!

La nostalgie, etc.

Current song: Mrs. O -- The Dresden Dolls
Current mood: see title :-P

I feel like I miss so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss Europe. I really miss my independence. I've found myself, in the past few days, wishing that I could just pack up and go somewhere and not come back (at least not for some time). I'm going to try to save up enough by my b-day (six months) to go to Japan and China to see Rich and Phil. I know that's a bit grandiose, but I find big goals like that help keep me going sometimes.
It's a bit overwhelming, really, to think of all the options I have now. Or, at least, could have. I feel like I have a lot of catching up (financially and probably mentally) before I can go anywhere. I can't wait to be caught up. There are so many things I want to see and do. I want to be an artist. I want a small farm, where I can be totally self-sufficient. I want my diner. I want to see India and Africa. I want to photograph everything, everywhere. I want to be wanted-- even needed. I've even found lately that I want to be desirable. I'm not entirely sure why; maybe it has something to do with having been abandoned, from a relationship where I often felt unwanted. I was a convenience. It's not that I feel I need to be in a relationship (I don't). I don't know. I don't just want someone to tell me I'm pretty or smart or whatever. I don't need that kind of stuff (never have, hopefully never will). It would just be really swell to know that it's possible for someone to want/need me as much as I want/need them (and have it work out). In sadness and craziness and all the weird, frustrating Katness. I feel like that's asking a lot.

In other news, I served at my first wedding today. No one could believe I've never been to one before. I don't know that this actually counts as having been to one... At any rate, $20 an hour is pretty fucking sweet. :-P

*sigh* I think that's enough loser for today.
Nighty night, blogosphere.

Smells Like Neem Spirit...

Current song in head: The Beat Goes On -- Sunny and Cher
Current mood: meh...tired

So, neem is pretty much the best scent ever and I totally associate it with cleanliness. Neem makes me want to shower, and if you know me, you know that really means something. Go neem!

Work was long today. Lunch had an unexpected number of people. This one older couple commented on my 'absolutely fabulous' complexion and how I must spend fortunes on sunscreen. When I told them I never remember to wear it, they lectured me about skin cancer and all the things they've had removed/surgeries they've had because of the evil sun. Okie dokie. Thanks for the advice.
I was also compared to a rabbit tonight, by a slightly-less-than-sane gf of a cook. Awesome. I tried to escape the situation mentally by deciding that if I were a rabbit, my name would be Princess Sparkleface 3000. I'd be a pretty bad ass rabbit, I guess.

And with that, I bid you good evening.

Nighty night!